Couples coming for therapy often know they need help but are unsure as to what this looks like. They are likely to be feeling in a state of heightened anxiety and possibly anger or despair. It can feel exposing and potentially shaming to let someone else in on the difficulties and the intimate areas of their relationship. So what can a couple expect from the psychodynamic approach?
Building Trust.
The first aim for the therapy is to establish the sessions as a place of safety for both partners. This happens through the therapist listening empathically to what each of you brings, asking for clarification and hopefully reflecting what you have said back to you in a way that helps each of you to feel understood. While at times it is normal for each partner to feel that the therapist is siding with the other, overall there should be an understanding that your therapist is there for you both and that the focus is on the relationship that you have co-created, rather than one person being to blame.
Understanding what brings you to therapy and what you want from it.
Understanding the issue or issues that bring you to therapy is not always as obvious as it may seem. Often couples may be arguing or may have lost interest in sex or feel they are drifting apart, however the underlying reasons for this are not clear or the couple differ in what they think the problem is. Elucidating what the problem is in the sessions can lead to new insights into your relationship.
Deciding on open-ended or short-term therapy.
In your first few sessions you will decide with your therapist whether to opt for open-ended therapy or short-term. Mostly our therapists work in an open-ended way as this allows us to take the time you need to work on your issues at a deeper level. In this case the end date will be agreed on between you, allowing a few sessions to end as this is an important part of the process. Alternatively you might decide on short-term therapy because there is a particular issue that you want to address or for financial reasons. In this case you would discuss with your therapist how many sessions will be appropriate.
Understanding your histories and the history of your relationship.
Towards the start of your therapy your therapist will ask about your family histories and your relationship history. This is important because understanding your previous relationships can throw light on how they have shaped your current expectations and beliefs. Realising that we may be viewing our partner or reacting to them “as if” they were an important figure from our past can help us to disentangle past and present.
Working with the “here and now” of your relationship.
In couple therapy the way that you relate to one another is “live” in the room or on the screen so that the therapist can observe and reflect back to you some of the ways you interact with one another which you might not otherwise be aware of. The therapist may observe a particular tone of voice or look between you and can bring this more into consciousness so that you are able to think about it together.
Challenging some of your assumptions.
As therapy progresses and hopefully a basis of trust and confidence has been established, your therapist may at times challenge some of your assumptions when she feels they are getting in the way of progress. One of the issues for couples can be letting go of an idealised view of how a relationship “should” work and accepting a more reality based “good enough” relationship. The therapist may, for example point out when one partner or both are expecting the other to read their mind. Accepting the loss of the “perfect” relationship where you are always “on the same page” often helps couples to better accept their differences and even to appreciate them.
Helping you to be compassionate towards yourselves and your relationship.
Couples can be very self-blaming, for instance if they feel their relationship has not progressed in the way they thought it would, or if they have stopped having sex or have a child or children who are struggling in life. Your therapist will help to point out your strengths and successes as a couple if she feels you have lost sight of them and to feel more compassionate towards your struggles.
Thinking about the future of your relationship.
There is often a question for couples as to whether their relationship will survive or if they will separate. The therapist will not take a view on this but will help you to reach your own decision based on a fuller understanding of one another and of your relationship. While it can feel sad when a relationship ends, it is also helpful if this can be done with a knowledge that the ending has been seriously thought through and that each of you feels treated with respect by the other. Where both partners want the relationship to continue they should feel stronger as a couple and hopefully better able to address any issues they may face in the future.
Sophie Corke